Quite simply a page dedicated to my mum’s frequent habit of accidental innuendo.
My mum puts up with a lot. Aside from having to endure conversations and banter amongst and with her four sons (with subject matter most people would find at the very least offensive) she also has to put up with us all constantly laughing hysterically at her innocent comments. This happens during almost every conversation.
A long time ago I started writing some of these down, I’ll be writing them all down from now on. I checked with her if she was happy I share these travesties with the world and she said:
“Of course. Perhaps if they are written down I can read them and work out why you all laugh about them”
- Talking about the perceived difficulties of using an old fashioned rotary dial phone:
“My finger has never slipped out doing it. I did it all the time when I was younger and my finger never slipped out, even near the end.”
- When unnecessarily warning me about about not driving off when someone was getting in the back of the car:
“Be careful. It’s not a joke. I did it in the car once with my mum and it was terrible.”
“She was ever so cross with me and said to her sister, ‘Bridie, you’ll never guess what our Mary did to me, I was in a right state afterwards’.”
- When explaining to a room full of extended family the revenge she wants to wreak on me because I frequently and deliberately drop my hat, step on a duck or puff the magic dragon in front of family members (they love it of course, if it’s not the laughing then what else is it making their eyes water?):
“I have fantasies about my son…”
The room descended into a bedlam of laughter and panic.
“But I do! I want to do things to him you wouldn’t even imagine…”
Utter pandemonium envelopes the crowd – what can she mean!
“I fantasise about being in his office, with him and his boss…”
Woah there Lesley, think of the children!
Relief settled on the room like warm treacle.
- Talking about drinking Horlicks:
“I like it last thing at night, but can’t bear it first thing in the morning.”
- Talking about why an old Irish relative couldn’t attend a funeral:
“Willy couldn’t come. He’s had to stay at the creamery and work at getting his cream out.”*
*I know this is too good to be true, but insanely it’s not. Not only that but it was said just before I had to walk into a funeral. I had to do the bereavement laughter suppressing equivalent of thinking of your grandma in stocking and suspenders to “keep the wolf from the door”. It didn’t work, but then again it never does, does it?
- Commenting on eating fish:
“If there’s a risk of a bone I can’t relax”
- Talking about her just opened birthday present whilst in a restaurant:
“Do you mind if I don’t get it out, my fingers are greasy.”
- Explaining how to generate static on a balloon to make your hair stand up:
“No, no, no, you have to rub it really hard, then hold and you’ll see it rise up.”
- Talking about opening my wheelie bin and nearly being sick because of the smell of bin juice:
“I opened it and stuck my head in and it came up in my face in a big hot wave and you know me I don’t gag easily.”
Turned to partner for clarification
“But I don’t do I”
- Shortly after a friend of mine moved in with my mum (Take it easy! It was as a lodger and “only for six weeks while I find a place to live in that London” – it took him 2 years to find a flat that was “just right” and was a bit weird as I no longer lived at home at the time) she was commenting on her resultant change of diet and said:
“Since Dave’s moved in I’ve been eating ever such a lot of meat”
- Explaining why she screamed when I appeared unannounced on her doorstep at her open front door and said “Good morning”.
“It’s early in the morning, I’m bending down and you startled me!”
- Giving advice and guidance on Marmite dispensing:
“You might have to give it a really hard squeeze to get anything out of it. It’s coming to the end of it’s life”
- Telling me off because I’d knocked over an ornament on her coffee table with my foot:
“Would you like me to put my foot in something of yours? Would you like it if I rubbed my toe all over something special.”
- When talking about having her drive relaid:
“The builder did a lovely job on my front. He’s been working hard on my front all day. But he’s had to leave his whacker* up my hall overnight”
*The machine he was using to flatten the drive.
- When talking about my sister-in-law’s cooking:
“Ohh Beckie, your pie smells gorgeous! Can I have a slice?”
- When I was eating the remainder of a chocolate cake:
“Hang on, how come you get to lick it out? You know I look forward to licking out.”
- When talking about a supposedly romantic book club book that featured oral sex:
“A blow job! Romantic? It wouldn’t even come into my head!”
- When talking about the weather on her wedding day:
“It was very blowy. But your Dad enjoyed himself.”
- When talking about helping my Uncle tidy up his house:
“I’ve really enjoyed doing it with Steven this weekend. Sorting him out was really nice.”
- When talking about a baby that had been taught, as a joke, to lick people’s faces:
“Why does he lick? I know some people like being licked but I never have!”
- When talking about noisy kissing in Lark rise to Candleford:
“I much prefer tender kisses, to people eating each other. Well in films anyway, but not in real life.”
- Describing a hotel in New York she’d stayed in at Christmas:
“It was so beautiful it was like something out of Disneyland. It was so good I thought Santa was going to come.”
- Shouting at me for swearing:
“Will you stop fucking all over the house!”