I was recently at a wedding reception at Brooklands Museum and found myself full of three helpings of the buffet with my back teeth floating in free bar beer.
All of a sudden, the need to use the toilet became immediate and all-consuming. I shoulder barged an anonymous door open and pinballed down a palatial corridor. I fumbled around, opening more doors than a hotel porter, until I found myself in a utopia of a bathroom, relieved that I could stand down the Disasters Emergency Committee.
In fact I found myself in the actual bathroom used by Sir Barnes Neville Wallis, the inventor of the bouncing bomb – which given what I’d just embarked upon was in many ways profoundly prescient.
Now I expect many of you have pre-judged where this post is going. Trust me it’s not what you expect – it’s far, far worse.
You should all know by now the purpose of MoB is to document life’s little travesties and as such I’ve become a bit of a collector of phrases describing excruciatingly embarrassing situations I’ve found myself in. Yes I’m aware you’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition you hypercorrective pedant, but to misquote a fictitious Churchill quote “this is the kind of tedious nonsense up with which I will not put. To sound like Yoda I do not want.”
There’s the classic ‘that went down like a lead balloon’; the even-Chris-Morris-struggled-to-make-this-type-of-humour-work ‘as welcome as a paedophile in a nursery’; the post-modernly-multicultural ‘as popular a sausage at a bar mitzvah’; the nothing-less-than-legendary ‘it went down like a shit in a swimming pool’; and the my-all-time-favourite-and-stolen-from-Paul-O’Grady ‘like a skid mark on a hotel towel’.
Now all of these are beautifully conceptual and I never expected to see them manifest, especially the latter. Also for the avoidance of doubt I want to make it clear that I was not responsible for the vandalism below.
Now if that photo isn’t bad emough, think about this for a moment. When I later visited the toilet the towel had clearly been used.