After successfully buying the entire village of Padstow in the early 90s and turning it into Cornwall’s leading tourist attraction, Padstein, Rick Stein, Birds Eye’s top chef, has today announced he has bought the souls of every Cornish citizen in a deal estimated to be worth £1.
Eric Pickles, Secretary of State for Communities, Local Government and Morbid Obesity commented on the deal: “Rick made us an offer we couldn’t refuse. The Government and the electorate are gut sick of the Cornish leeching tens of millions of tax from hardworking English families, only to hear them piss and moan about tourism – their main export and sole source of revenue after pasties and casual racism. He now owns the Cornish lock stock and barrel and he’s welcome the sun addled ingrates. He can drive them in to the sea at Penzance or send them all down tin mines for all I care.”
Rick Stein, fish and chip shop owner and celebrity manic depressive, said: “I love Cornwall with all my heart but what I love more is finding ways of exploiting Cornwall for commercial gain. Now I own the Cornish the opportunities are endless, we are looking into the possibility of selling them to tourists as pets, if we can manage to get them house trained.”
The deal is not without its critics, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, net curtain shirted painter and decorator has been the most vocal. The pair fell out after he distorted the local housing market in Port Isaac by buying 11 fishermen’s cottages to keep his shirts and velvet jackets in and then, in a move resisted by the fishy locals, bought the village outright as the ultimate “post post-modern sculpture”.
Commenting on Stein’s latest move Llewelyn-Bowen said: “I’m double fucked off about this. It’s bad enough he’s been trying to get Port Isaac off me and make the impoverished locals – locals I impoverished! – live and work in another one of his theme parks but now the cheeky shite has bought everyone’s incorporeal essence. It’s an outrage.
He went on the add: I’d rather get cluster fucked by Devonshire Custard farmers than sell my wardrobe, or indeed my soul, to that jumped up Filet-O-Fish peddler.”
Dick Cole, leader of the hobby political party Sons of Cornwall, when asked about the sale said: “Despite speaking English all day everyday I don’t understand your question. But what I will say is I’d like Cornish independence for our economically unsustainable county and all tourists to piss of back home – leaving behind their holiday money so we can buy our children shoes. Cornwall is for the Cornish and not for sale.”
Adding: “I’ve just inherited a lovely little fisherman’s cottage that would make a great holiday home, if anyone’s interested.”
***The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.***