Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe, a leading scientist claims

STARTLING claims that the scrotum of Brian Cox, keyboard player for Labour’s house band D:Ream and part-time astrologer, contains the vast majority of matter in the observable Universe, have rocked the world of synthpop and experimental physics.

Scientists have long known that ordinary matter only accounts for about 23% of all matter and theorised the existence of dark matter to make their long sums add up. But they now consider that Cox’s nuts hold the answer – taking us tantalisingly close to a Theory of Everything.

Leading astrobiologist and testicle aficionado, Paul Davies, described the epiphany that led to this paradigm shift in boffins’ understanding of the Universe: “I was sitting in my pants watching Cox’s unnecessary remake of the BBC’s classic space documentary series Space and it hit me. The answer was staring me right in the face – what other reason could there be for how far apart his legs are when he stands for the pieces to camera?”

Cox's cock

Professor Brian Cox and his titanic testicles

He added “Theories are nothing without experimental evidence but Cox is a hard man to track down, because if he’s not touring Northern Working Men’s clubs with D:Ream he’s gallivanting around the globe courtesy of license payers staring at the sun through binoculars and practising looking numinous.

But we managed to locate him and asked NASA to point Hubble at his crotch. They detected two truly massive bulges that are estimated to be 13.7 billion light years across and nearly as old as his hair style.”

The research has led to further discoveries including that Cox’s hands aren’t actually glued into the pockets of his supermarket jeans but are continuously sub-consciously adjusting his ‘nurseries of creation’; and his nuts are the most perfectly spherical structures yet recorded, previously thought by scientists to be either neutron stars or the face of roly-poly Astronomer Royal, Russell Grant.

Roly poly Astronomer Royal Russell Gran

Grant's face: More circular than a theist's arguments?

Silver-tongued media whore Cox, 17, commented on the findings: “I fuckin’ love my bollocks and I fuckin’ love science. This marrying of my old fellas and bleeding edge experimental physics is right up my junction. I think I’ll write a middle of the road synth-based pop ditty about it.”

But leading creationist Duane Tolbert Gish, Senior Vice-President Emeritus at the Institute for Creation Research, has been quick to dismiss such claims: “Despite, or perhaps because of intimidating and overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary and first hand experience of Brian ‘tea-bagging’ me I consulted a collection of self-contradictory ramblings thrown together by a tribe of barely literate bronze-age desert nomads and it turns out it’s bollocks, figuratively speaking of course.”

***The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.***

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