I was walking along my street recently, the sky was beginning to bruise with dusk and the ground was damp with drizzle. I stood on what felt like a small water balloon, it rolled a little under my foot and made a strange noise, a little bit like when you blow on a blade of grass to make it whistle. And then it burst, a bit.

I looked down and saw a rather large, rather dishevelled frog. It looked put out to say the least and it was very much not dead. I felt bad. I like amphibians in general and frogs quite a lot. If it had been a newt I’d have been more upset, I like them more. 

I realised I had to put it out of its misery – by repeatedly stamping on it. This was distressing for two reasons. It was a little bit messy, more so than I was expecting actually, but more importantly commuters who are also my neighbours and who I see every single day witnessed me, for no discernible reason, kicking a frog to death.

I had to remove the frog pâté from my shoe and decided to use a nearby patch of grass. This is my now preferred method of removing filth from my shoes given a previous attempt to remove dog shit backfiring. I used the “pick out as much of the shit out with a twig” method but was unsatisfied with the amount left in all the nooks and crannies. So I boiled the kettle and poured boiling water over the sole of my trainer. This was bad for two reasons; I was leaning over the shoe as I poured which meant I inhaled dog shit steam, and realising this was happening I panicked a bit and poured water on my hand, gasping in another lungful of dog shit steam.

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