My right ear looks like it’s pierced, it’s not. It looks like I did it myself, I didn’t. I’ll explain all. You won’t believe me, no-one ever does.
When I was in the 2nd or 3rd year of secondary school I was sitting in a biology lesson and dropped my Parker fountain pen on the floor (yes of course I insisted on the version that took bottled ink. We all did, the pissing about refilling it and squirting it out again was endless. Plus the ink tasted quite sweet). I bent down to pick it up and my mate, not knowing I was there, slid his science stool back into the side of my head. The stool had one end of a rather large staple sticking out of it, which stuck into my ear. As the staple skewered my lobe it made a noise like the sound of the feel of a spot bursting (grim, I know. But you know exactly what I mean!).
I screamed something inappropriate for a science lesson, “shit-a-brick” I think, got a detention and thrown out of the class to “Sort out your bloody, bloody ear, Jenkins!”.
The staple hadn’t gone all the way through but it did look like I’d badly pierced my ear with an HB pencil and a toffee hammer. The piss taking, in an all boys school in the early 90s, was overwhelming and relentless. It nearly broke me, I felt like doing a Van Gogh.
But ear removal was too extreme and would have only increased the “character building” narrative I was being subjected too. So a few days later I thought about trying to reduce the depth of the hole by clipping a large bulldog clip to my earlobe.
The pain was all-consuming and I all but jumped through my bedroom wall. But even that pain didn’t compare to the final pinching agony as I pulled the bulldog clip off and it snipped the end of my earlobe. I don’t mind admitting I started crying.
In many ways it made the situation worse. I went from having an ear that looked like it had been pierced using a knitting needle to a red, swollen earlobe with a blood blister.
The “character building” was more comprehensive than I expected and went on for longer than I thought it was possible to endure.
Still that was a long time ago, it’s not as if I still often get asked in work situations “Have you had your ear pierced?!”.
“No, I was sitting in a biology lesson…oh just forget it you won’t believe me. Yes, yes I have. I did it myself with an ice-cube and a scaffold pole”.