Sara Lee shoe polish

It’s been a while since I last posted, for which I must apologise. Not least as hopefully it will stop the Misery style death threats.

I’ve got a quick travesty to keep the nutnuts at bay and will post soon with some more great travesties and the latest Mumuendo and Spotted Dick.

I was stumbling to the train station the other morning, looking no-doubt like a competition speed walker with a cactus up his arse, and all of a sudden my foot slipped out from under me. I knew immediately it was either a frozen puddle (unlikely as it was a balmy autumnal morning), or a massive dog shit.

It was the latter. Except it looked like someone had been out walking their pet Megalodon. I swore whilst doing the dog shit wiping shuffle – a very similar technique to when you furtively rub a spillage into a strangers carpet at a party.

But, as ever, I was running late for my train and could see it pulling into the station. I ran like Forest Gump, pre-caliper disintegration, hurled myself down the stairs and dived onto the train.

Noticing a seat I maneuvered my way to it and accidentally stepped on someone’s foot and tripped a little. No big deal really as they barely noticed and I sat down.

Glancing down I saw their white trainer (I know, who wears white trainers other than winos?) looking like someone had kicked a gateaux.

I looked out of the window and prayed to a God I don’t believe in that they wouldn’t notice. They didn’t, but He got me back because as I arrived at work I noticed I had managed to get gateaux all over the leg of my trousers.

That’s the last time I run for a train.

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3 Responses to Sara Lee shoe polish

  1. Baudelaire Valentine says:

    I love your shit stories, interpret that how you will Dr Chimichanga.

    • I’m normally a glass half-full kinda guy, infact more often than not I feel like I’ve knocked the glass onto the floor, but on this rare occasion I’m going to assume you’re being kind. Thank you for damning me with faint praise.

      Just for you I’m going to trawl the annals of my mind for another anal travesty and when I’m writing it up I’ll be singing:

      “I’m the Scatman, SCATMAN! Ski Ba Bop Ba Dop Bop.”

  2. Pingback: I’m snow very sorry | Manifestations of Baboonery

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