It’s been a while since I last posted, for which I must apologise. Not least as hopefully it will stop the Misery style death threats.
I’ve got a quick travesty to keep the nutnuts at bay and will post soon with some more great travesties and the latest Mumuendo and Spotted Dick.
I was stumbling to the train station the other morning, looking no-doubt like a competition speed walker with a cactus up his arse, and all of a sudden my foot slipped out from under me. I knew immediately it was either a frozen puddle (unlikely as it was a balmy autumnal morning), or a massive dog shit.
It was the latter. Except it looked like someone had been out walking their pet Megalodon. I swore whilst doing the dog shit wiping shuffle – a very similar technique to when you furtively rub a spillage into a strangers carpet at a party.
But, as ever, I was running late for my train and could see it pulling into the station. I ran like Forest Gump, pre-caliper disintegration, hurled myself down the stairs and dived onto the train.
Noticing a seat I maneuvered my way to it and accidentally stepped on someone’s foot and tripped a little. No big deal really as they barely noticed and I sat down.
Glancing down I saw their white trainer (I know, who wears white trainers other than winos?) looking like someone had kicked a gateaux.
I looked out of the window and prayed to a God I don’t believe in that they wouldn’t notice. They didn’t, but He got me back because as I arrived at work I noticed I had managed to get gateaux all over the leg of my trousers.
That’s the last time I run for a train.