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I love films, good films. Some poor souls mistake my preference for quality as film snobbery. Everyone is entitled to their opinions of course. Especially when they are wrong. Two of my brothers take extreme pleasure in baiting me about films. Telling me which masterpieces of cinema they don’t like and what dog shit films they love. On the whole they are not joking, they are Philistines and proud of it. 

I sent the following email response to them because of a targeted and relentless campaign, baiting me about The Hurtlocker – which I had recommended in passing a few months before. Highlights included “I don’t see what all the fuss is about – it got an Oscar!” and “Yes, I agree hardly Oscar worthy!”. I ignored them for as long as possible but I eventually caved in and retaliated. 

It’s worth noting I reply all’d to their provocative emails. The recipients included most of my family and friends, including my mother. 

From: Professor Chacma
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 10:02 AM
Subject: RE: You must watch this… 

Dearest Dan and Matt,
 
Just a quick email to say I refuse to be drawn into this self-evidently obtuse discussion. And yes I know the first sentence and the following ones seem to suggest otherwise, but you must bear in mind I’m being hilariously self-aware and at the same time ironical. And yes even the use of ironical was an example of multi-layered irony. In a very true and somewhat wanky sense you could, if your tiny brains are up to it, view the entire email as a meta-joke.
 
As you’ll know I a militant rationalist and tend to come to decisions about things based on the evidence. So, ladies and gentlemen, let’s look at the evidence and answer the question “Is The Hurt Locker Oscar worthy?”. And the supplemental question “Are Dan or Matt’s opinions on a film’s Oscar worthiness analogous to a bulging, sweaty paper bag of shit. A bag that leaking a bit, in the sense that some arsewater but not actual shit, would get on your hands if you tried to throw it at them?”.
 
Firstly, I think it’s important at this point to note I didn’t vote for The Hurt Locker to get an Oscar. This was done by Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. A collection of about 6000 film industry professionals. As you know I’m always willing to listen to the collected views of experts. Now these people either are pretty reliable judges of a films Oscar worthiness  (although admittedly occasional Oscar award travesties have been perpetrated) or they’re a bunch a neophyte cunts who’ve got no idea. I’m willing to go with the former and on that basis think that the answer to the question “Is The Hurt Locker Oscar worthy?” is indeed, yes.
 
Secondly, I’d like to look at the evidence on how much weight we should attach to Dan and Matt’s opinion’s of quality. I’ll keep this short and sweet as the evidence is fairly overwhelming and more than a little catastrophic.
 
Matt – Exhibit A – To be fair I’m paraphrasing a bit but it must be noted that Matt said pretty much the following “Honestly it’s one of the best films I’ve ever seen. I was instantly hooked. I laughed, I cried – 5 stars. 10 out of 10. In fact if I’d seen Spinal Tap I’d say 11 out of 10 but I haven’t, so I won’t”. But what was the film I hear you cry? Yes that’s it you’ve guessed it, Transformers 2 – Revenge of the Fallen. And no he wasn’t writing a review for Daily Star movie page. Phuck me dead!
 
Dan – Exhibit B – I have personally witnessed the blind panic, visible bead-on and undergarment soiling Dan has initiated when he realised he hadn’t set his Humax box to record and wouldn’t be able to get home in time to draw the curtains, sit in his pants on the couch and watch his favourite piece of recent British broadcast television… Lark Rise to Candleford. Phuck me dusty!
 
So based on the above I confident that yes is also the answer to he question “Are Dan or Matt’s opinions on a film’s Oscar worthiness analogous to a bulging, sweaty paper bag of shit. A bag that is leaking a bit, in the sense that some arsewater but not actual shit, would get on your hands if you tried to throw it at them?”.
 
Peace out,
 
Professor “why do my hands smell of arsewater ?” Chacma

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