Toilet humor*

* Not that kind of humour!

I was purchasing a new pair of £19.50 M&S charcoal suit trousers (Last of the big spenders I know!) and having drunk my body weight in filthy low-grade powdered coffee suddenly noticed I urgently needed to spend a penny (it was more like a tenner given the urgency). The normal primal terror I experience when contemplating using a public toilet quickly dissipated – I was in M&S after all.

Disappointingly, the toilet was like a cross between the Helmand Province and the Armitage Shanks Returns department and smelt like the ethics of the Khmer Rouge. However, M&S had taken the innovative step of using the toilet as a R&D facility for testing a new product – The M&S bogbrush.

As delighted as I was about this I couldn’t help wishing I’d put on my waterproof shoelaces as an ocean of piss wicked up my shoelaces and into my shoes. I won’t go into details of their latest and greatest bogbrush, not least because I had planned to have a ‘lazy piss’ (I swiftly changed my mind as the seat looked as inviting as an IED) and didn’t get a chance to use it, but mainly because a friend in the M&S ad agency has given me a sneak peek of their new national press campaign.

I’ll be uploading this shortly but the ad text is below:

 “This is a 100% polypropylene jelly-piss and arsewater festooned handle, with albino hedgehog spike bristles speckled with tagnuts and fragranced with Palawan Stink Badger musk, marinated in an Sunset Yellow (E110) infused broth of bag lady micturition, sitting on a nest of strangers pubes and topped with a siberian fox-sized pellet of melena.

This is not just a bogbrush. This is an M&S bogbrush.”

"What an amazing smell you've discovered!"

M&S Bogbrush

Amazingly on the same day I encountered further travesties in another public toilet. Someone had written in large letters on the underside of the toilet lid “SHIT HERE” with an arrow pointing down.

"Oh, that's how you use it!"

Please read the instructions

The graffiti artist I assume is dyslexic and had actually intended to write “SIT HERE” – hardly advice people need. Unless of course he did it on purpose and is the architect of the recent irksome pandemic of people “laying a cable” on the back of toilet seats. I’m yet to sit in one of these offerings whilst in a panicked rush but it’s surely just a matter of time?

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